I was nursing my 3 week old, toys of every variety were strung about the living room, and diapers, wipes, and burps cloths were drowning me. There were dishes to wash, laundry to clean and fold, floors that needed sweeping, a toddler to play and engage with, and a newborn to snuggle and nurture. It was too much. I sat and cried.
I am usually a fairly calm, maybe even a laid back, parent but the feeling of overwhelm has been, at times, suffocating over the past month. And I feel like a total loser. My husband recently started working from home, and 4 months ago we moved next door to my parents. With all that help and support, what right do I have to feel overwhelmed? I know people who have had four kids with NO help from family following the births of their children. So yes, I feel like total loser some days for not being able to get my crap together.
But I also know that I don't have to feel this way, or at least I can put some routines in place that will help to lessen the overwhelm. So here are some of the routines and habits I have put in place (or am working to put in place) to help me get control of my mind and emotions. Here we go:
1. Don’t Go Back to Sleep After the Early Morning Feeding
This one is probably the #1 habit I need to keep up, because I know how important my Mama’s Morning is for me. The first few weeks I knew I needed whatever sleep I could get, but now it is more important for me to get those few minutes in the morning to myself before everyone else gets up.
What's the big difference between how I feel when I am wakened by my toddler vs. when I get up on my own terms? Waking up when my toddler gets up never fails to leave me feeling like I am behind ALL DAY LONG. I’m rushing to get the dishes done, my shower in, clothes folded...and time reading my bible and in prayer just straight up does not happen.
When I wake up before the rest of my family, I feel like I have more control of my day. I can get my shower in if I want to. There is quiet and peace in the house and I am able to pray and spend time reading my Bible. I can plan the day and think about what I want to do and what is most important.
So going forward, even though there is less sleep at nights, I know staying awake after the early morning feeding (the feeding that happens BEFORE my toddler is awake) is vital for clearing my mind before the day really begins.
2. Pick a Small Organizational/Clean Up Task A Day
I got this bit of advice from my sister (who also has a newborn, along with three boys five and under!). It was becoming apparent that a lot of the overwhelm I felt was coming from not feeling like household chores were getting done, and our lives were running on chaos!
So to help to keep that under control, I am going to pick a "non-baseline" organizational/cleaning task to do each day. It might be cleaning out my sons pants drawer (which was yesterday's task), or organizing my own closet, or cleaning out a kitchen cabinet that has gotten out of hand. Just a little something that takes 10 minutes or so, to help make me feel like I have a bit of control over the organization of my home.
3. Clean Up After Activities (and get your little one to help out)
I know that my brain is going to feel the way my house looks. With a toddler and a newborn, it does not take long before the house can look like an absolute disaster. Burp clothes and baby blankets are scattered about, toy cars are in the couch and under the chairs, and pillows are on the ground.... consequently, my brain can pretty quickly go from clam, cool, and collected, to a total jumbled mess of frantic thoughts. To keep that in check, me and my little guy are working on being more diligent in picking up after activities, doing the dishes right after we use them, and keeping my diaper/nursing/spit up-preventing basket tidy.
4. Let Go Of the Pressure To Get In The Car And Go Somewhere
The first few weeks I felt like I needed to get out of the house, not because I wanted to, but because I felt obligated to take my oldest kiddo somewhere and keep his day packed. I also felt pressure to say yes whenever I was asked by someone to go somewhere with them. I finally realized that some days I need to just stay home. And there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
As soon as I gave myself the freedom to stay at home, it felt like a weight was lifted off. I could still intentionally engage with my kiddo and give him a fun day without rushing to get two kiddos ready and out the door, then hurrying home to nurse, squeezing in a quick lunch, and scurrying my two year old off to his nap. Pretty sure that day is not fun for him, either.
So take it easy and stay at home if you want to. You have a newborn for goodness sakes! Take advantage of that and use it as an excuse as needed 🙂
5. Keep Surfaces Free of Junk
Keeping surfaces (tables, counters, dresser tops, etc.) free of clutter and junk pile-up makes a huge difference in my mental state. But to do this I need to have an assigned place to put that stuff! So I'm slowly working to designate locations for the random bits and pieces that end up on surfaces in our home.
But then, of course, I have to actually take the time to put the randomness in the appropriate locations, instead of throwing them on the side table. I know that the ten seconds I take to put things in the designated location is not going to set my day back. But the mental cloudiness that I would have if I left my house is cluttered, might.
6. Make Your Bed In The Morning
Maybe it’s just me, but when I walk into my bedroom during the day and the sheets are strung about and the bedspread is crumpled up at the end of the bed, I feel instantly irritated. And people, we don’t need any more irritation coming from me, my husband can assure you of that.
Making the bed takes about 3 minutes, and this 3 minutes is totally worth the time if it keeps my mind clear and prevents unwanted irritants during the day.
7. Get Help When You Need It
In some ways I am cool with getting help, and in other ways I am not. For some reason, I am more hesitant to ask my husband for help than I might be asking my mom. I think it is because a part of me wants my husband to think that I am superwoman. I want him to be constantly impressed by my ability to keep it all together and still be positive, beautiful, happy, and a joy to be around. Ha! The ironic thing is, sometimes not getting help is exactly what makes me irritable, cranky, and rushed. That is NOT a joy and pleasure to be around.
So get help if you need it, everyone needs help. I promise I will, too.
8. Don’t compare Yourself to that Always Happy Mom of Eight
There is nothing good that can come from comparing myself to other moms (yes, I have a lot I can learn from other mamas, but learning from is different than comparing to).
Three points to remember when I find myself comparing:
1. Things are not always what seem.
2. Her circumstances, personality, life experiences, family life, etc. are all different from mine. Her life and the way she mothers WILL look different because me and her are two different people.
3. If that mom of eight has eight, she has probably been a mom longer than I. Don’t compare yourself with a mom of ten years vs. me, going on 3 years.
So I will give myself some time to adjust. And if I am still feeling down, I dare myself to
9. Talk To Other Mamas About How I Feel
Because there are times when just knowing that someone else has felt the same emotions and experienced similar discouragement makes me feel less isolated and more like a normal human again. And know that there are other moms out there who have felt totally overwhelmed with their role as a mama, too.
And if you don’t feel like you have anyone to talk to, I’m here! Write me an email and we can bond over feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, and then encourage each other along the way! For real, please connect if you need some encouragement, or just a friend to listen.
10. Schedule Out Your Day (as much as you can)
Routine, routine, routine. Kids thrive on routine and I know that I do to (and I bet most of you out there are the same). With a newborn and toddler in tow, it’s impossible (or maybe possible, just stressful and unenjoyable) to keep to a strict, minute by minute routine. But having a general idea of the structure my day will have helps my mind to relax.
11. Take Naps When You Can (leave the dishes if you have to)
I know when I am tired I am more irritable, less patient, and more likely to feel overwhelmed and inadequate. So if I am feeling tired, I am going to try and take a nap when my kids are. I've heard this before, and I'm sure you have too, but if you are like me there are times when I think I really need to get the dishes done, or fold laundry instead. But then 4 o’clock rolls around and I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it another hour! Mama "Hyde" comes out.
So take advantage of the time to rest and get some shut eye. Even 30 minutes can do wonders (and I don’t think your husband will be complaining about your suddenly brighter attitude, because I know mine won't 🙂 )
12. Spend Time Reading the Bible and Praying Every Morning
This is so important, even when it doesn’t feel like it. The first day I got back into my morning routine with God after my second son was born, I felt a sense of anticipation for the day that I had not felt since his birth. There may be a million things you and I need to get done, and little humans we need to keep alive (not to mention the sleep your body is craving).
But I can assure you, the MOST important item on that list is maintaining your relationship with God, honoring him, and letting Him meet your needs.
We are his servants, He is our master. He loves us, and wants to give us the grace, patience, peace, and motivation to mama our babies.
SO...
We may be tired, we may feel inadequate, and we may be overwhelmed. But being mamas is what we are, and it is the task and purpose that we have been given. And we will make it! Let's do it together, shall we?
I'm rooting for ya!
