Inside: Feeling lonely and in need of adult conversation? Making friends as a SAHM can be daunting - but it doesn't have to be. Here are 7 tips:
My eyes kept darting over at her while I clumsily attempted the motions to "Hokey Pokey" - all while the librarian belted the words to a less than enthusiastic group of preschoolers.
She looks cool, right? She wasn't swooning over her son, but she also wasn't letting him run around like a headless chicken either..
She was wearing workout clothes, but she didn't look like she was trying too hard. She looked...down to earth. Maybe she WAS cool.
I wanted to be her friend.
It can be downright daunting to make friends as a SAHM. Our insecurities, routines, nap-schedules and (if we are being really honest) self-centeredness, can make it hard to make new friends.
But it can be done. It should be done.
Don't worry mama, you can do it. And here are some tips how:
1. If you want to make friends, you have to get out of the house.
I hate to be the bearer of bad (but obvious) news: Other moms aren't going to come knocking at your door just looking to hang out.
If you want to make new friends as a SAHM, you have to get out of your PJ's, get the kids dressed, and get out of the house.
If you are like me, it can be tempting to choose your daily outing based on where you assume no one else will be. And you can justify it by saying “I just want to spend a day with my kids by myself.” This is great! But when that is your excuse every day , there might be a problem.
So get out of the house and go to places where other moms and kids might be. I would venture to guess that most towns and cities have some type of free/cheap activities for moms with little ones. Here are some examples of things that you could look into:
- story time at the library
- children’s museum
- playgrounds
- open gyms at churches
- free events for kids at the library or downtown
- hikes and walks
- Chick-fil-A play area
So go and BE where the other moms are. That is the first step, friend.
2. To make new friends as a mom, you've got to be brave!
Getting out of the house is step #1. But if you want to make friends as a SAHM, you have to be brave. You have to walk over and say something to that mom pushing her baby boy in the swing. It takes courage, but this is where the rubber meets the road. Be proactive and take a step forward.
3. Don't Buy The Lie That If She Liked You, She Would Make The First Move
Let me say that again:
Just because she hasn't walked over to you does not mean that she does not want to talk to you. She probably does.
Just because she does not walk over does not mean that she already has enough friends and is not looking to gain any more. She might be more lonely now than ever before.
Don't assume she won't like you. She could be battling deeper insecurities than you and assume you wouldn't like her.
These are lies that I have told myself and believed many, many times in the past (and still fight to dispel, even now).
So take the first step—she might be waiting for you.4. Ask for her phone number.
You’ve finally summoned the courage to walk over—so, what now?
You will probably have a lovely conversation (or maybe it will be totally awkward) but if there is no way to connect with each other afterwards, then what was the point?
You've got to ask for her number. And having kids makes it a little less awkward... A quick “hey, can I get your number? Maybe we can get our kids together sometime for a play-date” works.
I know that may feel weird and uncomfortable, but it isn’t as strange as it seems. And again, chances are she is thinking the same thing, but is too nervous, or self conscious, or afraid to ask. You must be the brave one.
A quick story: It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I mustered up the courage to ask another mom for her number. And I was inspired by a now good friend who I met on a hike with my son. The first day that we met, after chatting for a bit, she casually asked for my number so that we could get our boys together sometime.
It was so simple, so casual, and so...normal. So go ahead, be brave. You might be the one to inspire another mom.
5. Join a mom's group to meet new friends
Joining a mom's group is a fantastic way to meet other moms in your area. Many churches have some type of mom’s group that meets regularly. If your church doesn’t, google “mom’s groups in (your town)” and see what pops up.
The church I attend does not have one, but a quick google search led me to one at a nearby church and I have met some great friends through it (plus, an hour or two of free child-care...sign me up!)
6. Have An Interest Outside of Your Kids
You love your kids. I get it. But, let’s be honest - not everyone wants to talk about your kids all day. Or how good you are with organizing your house or making yummy meals or the way you run your household. Yes, in small doses we do want to hear about how you run your life. But if that is all you have to talk about, conversation might be limited.
Before kids, friends were made through common interests. The same stays true when we become moms and are looking for mom friends. Yes, kids are a common interest, but, again, not everyone wants to talk about your kids as much as you do and you probably don’t want to listen to a monologue about someone else’s kids either.
The fact is, conversation solely pertaining to kids and child rearing techniques just can’t sustain a deep friendship. There must be something else, beyond the initial bond of motherhood, to nourish and grow your budding friendship.
If you aren’t sure you have an interest outside of your kids, it might be time to start looking for one (use the time during your Mama's Morning to explore). Don’t know where to start? Here are three some ideas:
- Turn on YouTube and start watching some TedTalks. They will give you some interesting ideas to think and talk about.
- Read books. Again, new ideas and topics of discussion.
- Start a new hobby, or restart an old one. Think about things you are intrigued by , or found interesting pre- kids:
- writing
- painting
- reading
- crochet
- sewing
- running
- gardening
7. Schedule a weekly play-date.
Invite a few moms over and then ask each of them to invite one of their friends. Or start a weekly get together at a nearby park or the Chick-fil-A playground. Initiate a standing invite (every Wednesday from 9:30-11:30, for instance). This is a great way to meet new people, and to continue to foster relationships with old friends! And trust me, other moms will be grateful for the routine.
8. If you want to make lasting friends as a SAHM: be the friend you wish someone else would be to you.
I have been so guilty of putting the blame on other people.
"Well if she wanted to hang out, then she would make an effort."
OR "I'm the new one, so she should be inviting me!"
If you are craving friendship, community, and adult conversation, then that mom standing over there watching her kid play with the train table does, too.
Be the friend to her that you wish she would be to you. It goes back to number 2. BE BRAVE. Don’t let your insecurities get in the way of making a friend, and more importantly, being a friend.
That girl that I saw in the library that day? I walked over, started up a conversation, then asked for her number. We got our boys together to play a few times, but didn't become best buds or anything. With that step, however, I got a little braver.
If I can do it, you can do it.
So get out there, mama. Be brave. Be bold. Make a new friend!
I'm rooting for you!
